Nikki Sterling
27
Full Time Student
Newlywed
In Part 2 of this interview, Nikki and I talk about confidence, strength, fashion, and learning to love yourself.
Christina: So how would you describe how being happy with your body effects your self confidence? Do you think that your weight and how you feel about your body relates to how confident you are?
N: Absolutely. When I weighed over 200 pounds I felt terrible and unattractive and unlovable And I put a good face on it, I still dressed up and put on makeup, but I did not feel sexy or confident about myself and certainly not my body. And I definitely have more of that now. I am the giriliest I have ever been in my entire life right now. I was always a tomboy, and a lot of that was just my personality. But I think I actively stayed away from the girlier parts of clothing and making an existence in general, because for some reason in my head, it would make me less - less hardcore, less strong - I don't know.
C: I think it's exciting to find strength in femininity. And I struggle with it; it took me a while to feel like I can put on a dress and heels and feel like I could kill a dude. And being able to feel just as good in a pair of jeans and sneakers as you do in a dress and heels is a thing that a lot of girls don't learn. And every time I hear someone say they don't wear heels because they don't know how to walk in them or something I'm like, walk like you're gonna kill somebody.
N: I don't wear heels because I can't, I've come so close to breaking my ankle so many times. I would love to wear heels because I think they're incredibly sexy but they hurt! It's incredibly painful.
C: In college I was wearing heels every day - I obviously don't do that anymore because I live in New York City. I don't know I felt like that was a good idea. It made me feel better than everybody else. I dressed up a lot when I went to college because it made me feel elitist.
N: And for me, the funny thing is, being a slovenly punk-ass was always what made me feel elitist. Being barefoot in jeans and a t-shirt felt so much more empowering to me than that stupid girl froofy stuff. And when my husband and I got together, he liked to buy my clothing, and I discovered how fun and how sexy it can feel. And I'm always I'm always putting on makeup, I always really liked makeup. I put a lot of work into it - it took me an hour to get ready to come out. And there's part of me that wants to scoff at myself, but it feels great. It's so much fun, and because my body looks now more or less the way I want it to look, putting on these clothes feels like such a triumph. It's really a different experience.
C: I always knew what my style was, and I had an aesthetic that I stuck to from when I was very young. And I always felt like, when you find the right thing, it fits you, it makes you feel like the person you want to be. It makes you feel like the woman you should be.
N: Yes! High-low skirts make me feel like a flowy powerful fairy princess.
C: And I think you should feel like a powerful fairy princess!
N: Who doesn't want to feel like that?
C: What other kinds of outside factors do you feel effect your self-confidence? Not necessarily body-centric.
N: My head space is the biggest thing. I live in my head a lot. I don't think constantly, but I'm very active in my own head, and I'm always very in control of my thoughts. Sometimes the way my thoughts phrase themselves and the way that things happen in my head are a little off beat. I actually tend to think a lot to think the way Stephen King writes, and something isn't right in my head. Not in content but in style. If I'm having a day where I don't feel like my head is my space and everything is working right, it screws everything else up, it feels like there's a neon sign pointing to me over my head going FREAK! CAN'T FUNCTION! And I know there's not, but I get so off-kilter that I can't function. I walk like a different person, I feel like a different person.
C: When I have days when I'm feeling anxious, I feel like everyone can see no matter how much I'm keeping it together. And it makes me feel like, it does make you feel like a freak. That one day I had a panic attack at the office, I sat there thinking I feel like the biggest fuck up. I feel like a crazy person. Everyone else is just going about there day and - what must it feel like to be normal? I never felt like that. And I think a lot of people do and they fake it really well
N: Probably, but there are certain things like the hyper-vigilance - I don't feel safe ever. And so I'm always paying attention, looking for a threat. My preferred seating space is with my back to a wall. I basically have no room for self-confidence in a large crowd because I'm too busy trying not to actually panic.
C: So when do you feel most confident?
N: I actually think that clothes make me feel the most confident.
C: You feel less confident when you're naked?
N: Yes, because so many more of my flaws are much more apparent when I'm naked. My breasts aren't being held up, and the little tummy that I have is very apparent. I have a huge ass full of cellulite, and there's nothing to hide that. So no matter how often my husband tells me that I'm sexy, shows me that I'm sexy, I do not feel at my best when I'm naked. I feel at my best in a really good dress. I love tights. I enjoy putting on makeup and it makes me feel hugely sex and hugely confident. Bondage makes me feel incredibly sexy. Actually the only time I feel sexy when I'm naked is when I'm tied to something.
C: What about situational things? Rather than clothes or makeup, what about a place where you feel most confident, or something in your life outside of your body?
N: I'm not sure that I have anything like that. Because anywhere thats in public, some of my thought process gets taken up with feeling unsafe and anxious. So places that would normally be like that, like my favorite restaurant or a sex club, aren't that because I'm too busy being not safe, because no one is safe except for my husband.
C: Do you think that damages your experiences? If you guys go to sex clubs...
N: Absolutely.
C: What is the thing that people most often compliment you on?
N: My smile
C: Do you think it's true?
N: I recognize that I have a really big smile, and an extremely expressive face, and I'm a happy and warm person and I know that that reflects in my smile. And I know that's what people are complimenting when they talk about it.
C: Because I don't have straight teeth I always notice people who do, and you have really nice teeth. But also because you're expressive, it makes me sitting across from you feel like you're engaged and interested in what we're talking about, which is exciting because so often you're met with people who are bored and don't care.
N: Which is the problem because if I am bored, you can tell. I can't control my face.
C: How would you describe the relationship between strength and beauty?
N: I have spent a lot of time thinking about strength as beauty, that I would so much rather see the message that strong is beauty as opposed to thin is beautiful. I've always found muscles incredibly sexy, on both men and women. I love when you don't really notice the muscles until they lift something and then all of a sudden it stands out. And not just the physical appearance of muscles, but someone who is strong, to me, is sexy. Although interestingly enough I never started applying that to myself until recently.
C: I think that often women seek that in men for a protective kind of instinct. Because it feels secure. So what about finding that in yourself?
N: I was at my strongest in high school, believe it or not. I didn't work out or anything, I just ran around like a maniac and my best friend was a third degree black belt who I loved to fight with. And I lost that, and I hate that I lost that. Now actually working out and working with weights makes me feel like an incredibly erotic, sexy figure. And then I started doing benchpress and I couldn't tell you why, but I love the benchpress, it makes me feel like a sexy beast. I guess I'm reconnecting with strong and powerful. And definitely there are moments where I can feel the muscles burning and it feels sexy to me.
C: What about emotional strength in regards to how beautiful you feel?
N: I actually don't think that the two have any correlation for me, oddly enough. Because I've had to work so so hard for so many years now on my internal stuff, on my emotions, on really just everything about mental health, for me it's almost a completely separate thing, separate piece of myself. Though I have been told that I am particularly beautiful when I am manic, or when I am manic and furious.
C: I think there's something very sexy when a woman is standing up for herself and taking charge. But I think what you're saying is that you had to learn how to feel sexy and beautiful without the stability emotionally and mentally because that was such a long process for you.
N: Absolutely. When I was dealing with body and sexuality and all that stuff, mental stability wasn't even a faint hope on the horizon. I was still reveling in the fact that I was a psychotic little freak, which is a fairly typical defense mechanism. 'Yeah, I'm the most fucked up bitch you know', because what else are you going to do? You have to take pride in your role.
C: Do you think that's beneficial?
N: Yes and no. I think it is a survival mechanism. Anything that lets you survive is beneficial. But it definitely also impedes wellness. Once you're able to start getting better, that habit gets in your way because you become very reluctant. I was terrified for ages that if I ever got well, no one would want to be around me anymore because I wouldn't be exciting, I would become boring.
C: And because you make that your weapon, that's the center of your personality. And you feel like, then who are you without that. But do you like yourself better now?
N: Oh absolutely. Unquestionably. I try very hard not to regret or hate on who I was, because I don't think that's healthy or helpful. But I did not like that girl. And I like myself now. And there are moments that I can even love myself, and I didn't think that was anything that would ever be possible. There are moments were I totally don't like myself or love myself, but I like myself more often than not. And I love myself sometimes, and that feels like a huge victory.
C: Do you feel like you had to go through that in order to be the person that you are now?
N: Oh yeah, I would be someone completely different without those experiences, and to be honest it does sometimes make me feel a tiny bit superior, because I have done more living and more growing in my life by 25 years old than most people have done by the time they're 60.
C: What advice would you give your 14 year old self?
N: Stay on your fucking meds, you crazy bitch! I think I would like to tell myself that being submissive doesn't mean you can't say no to sex, because I said yes to a lot of sex that I didn't really want because I felt like I shouldn't say no. I think about how much better my life would have been if I had done well in high school and gone straight to college, but given the bipolar disorder, it wasn't even an option. So stay on your meds kind of covers it. My childhood was a goddamn disaster, but I would not be anything close to the driven, intelligent, introspective, powerful, capable woman that I am today if I hadn't gone through those things.
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