Let's Get Drinks: Nikki on Body and Confidence pt. 2

Nikki Sterling
27
Full Time Student
Newlywed

In Part 2 of this interview, Nikki and I talk about confidence, strength, fashion, and learning to love yourself.

Christina: So how would you describe how being happy with your body effects your self confidence? Do you think that your weight and how you feel about your body relates to how confident you are?
N: Absolutely. When I weighed over 200 pounds I felt terrible and unattractive and unlovable And I put a good face on it, I still dressed up and put on makeup, but I did not feel sexy or confident about myself and certainly not my body. And I definitely have more of that now. I am the giriliest I have ever been in my entire life right now. I was always a tomboy, and a lot of that was just my personality. But I think I actively stayed away from the girlier parts of clothing and making an existence in general, because for some reason in my head, it would make me less - less hardcore, less  strong - I don't know. 

C: I think it's exciting to find strength in femininity. And I struggle with it; it took me a while to feel like I can put on a dress and heels and feel like I could kill a dude. And being able to feel just as good in a pair of jeans and sneakers as you do in a dress and heels is a thing that a lot of girls don't learn. And every time I hear someone say they don't wear heels because they don't know how to walk in them or something I'm like, walk like you're gonna kill somebody.
N: I don't wear heels because I can't, I've come so close to breaking my ankle so many times. I would love to wear heels because I think they're incredibly sexy but they hurt! It's incredibly painful. 

C: In college I was wearing heels every day - I obviously don't do that anymore because I live in New York City. I don't know I felt like that was a good idea. It made me feel better than everybody else. I dressed up a lot when I went to college because it made me feel elitist. 
N: And for me, the funny thing is, being a slovenly punk-ass was always what made me feel elitist. Being barefoot in jeans and a t-shirt felt so much more empowering to me than that stupid girl froofy stuff. And when my husband and I got together, he liked to buy my clothing, and I discovered how fun and how sexy it can feel. And I'm always I'm always putting on makeup, I always really liked makeup. I put a lot of work into it - it took me an hour to get ready to come out. And there's part of me that wants to scoff at myself, but it feels great. It's so much fun, and because my body looks now more or less the way I want it to look, putting on these clothes feels like such a triumph. It's really a different experience. 

C: I always knew what my style was, and I had an aesthetic that I stuck to from when I was very young. And I always felt like, when you find the right thing, it fits you, it makes you feel like the person you want to be. It makes you feel like the woman you should be. 
N: Yes! High-low skirts make me feel like a flowy powerful fairy princess. 
C: And I think you should feel like a powerful fairy princess! 
N: Who doesn't want to feel like that? 

C: What other kinds of outside factors do you feel effect your self-confidence? Not necessarily body-centric.
N: My head space is the biggest thing. I live in my head a lot. I don't think constantly, but I'm very active in my own head, and I'm always very in control of my thoughts. Sometimes the way my thoughts phrase themselves and the way that things happen in my head are a little off beat. I actually tend to think a lot to think the way Stephen King writes, and something isn't right in my head. Not in content but in style. If I'm having a day where I don't feel like my head is my space and everything is working right, it screws everything else up, it feels like there's a neon sign pointing to me over my head going FREAK! CAN'T FUNCTION! And I know there's not, but I get so off-kilter that I can't function. I walk like a different person, I feel like a different person. 

C: When I have days when I'm feeling anxious, I feel like everyone can see no matter how much I'm keeping it together. And it makes me feel like, it does make you feel like a freak. That one day I had a panic attack at the office, I sat there thinking I feel like the biggest fuck up. I feel like a crazy person. Everyone else is just going about there day and - what must it feel like to be normal? I never felt like that. And I think a lot of people do and they fake it really well
N: Probably, but there are certain things like the hyper-vigilance - I don't feel safe ever. And so I'm always paying attention, looking for a threat. My preferred seating space is with my back to a wall. I basically have no room for self-confidence in a large crowd because I'm too busy trying not to actually panic. 

C: So when do you feel most confident?
N: I actually think that clothes make me feel the most confident.

C: You feel less confident when you're naked?
N: Yes, because so many more of my flaws are much more apparent when I'm naked. My breasts aren't being held up, and the little tummy that I have is very apparent. I have a huge ass full of cellulite, and there's nothing to hide that. So no matter how often my husband tells me that I'm sexy, shows me that I'm sexy, I do not feel at my best when I'm naked. I feel at my best in a really good dress. I love tights. I enjoy putting on makeup and it makes me feel hugely sex and hugely confident. Bondage makes me feel incredibly sexy. Actually the only time I feel sexy when I'm naked is when I'm tied to something. 

C: What about situational things? Rather than clothes or makeup, what about a place where you feel most confident, or something in your life outside of your body?
N: I'm not sure that I have anything like that. Because anywhere thats in public, some of my thought process gets taken up with feeling unsafe and anxious. So places that would normally be like that, like my favorite restaurant or a sex club, aren't that because I'm too busy being not safe, because no one is safe except for my husband.

C: Do you think that damages your experiences? If you guys go to sex clubs...
N: Absolutely. 

C: What is the thing that people most often compliment you on?
N: My smile

C: Do you think it's true?
N: I recognize that I have a really big smile, and an extremely expressive face, and I'm a happy and warm person and I know that that reflects in my smile. And I know that's what people are complimenting when they talk about it. 

C: Because I don't have straight teeth I always notice people who do, and you have really nice teeth. But also because you're expressive, it makes me sitting across from you feel like you're engaged and interested in what we're talking about, which is exciting because so often you're met with people who are bored and don't care. 
N: Which is the problem because if I am bored, you can tell. I can't control my face. 

C: How would you describe the relationship between strength and beauty? 
N: I have spent a lot of time thinking about strength as beauty, that I would so much rather see the message that strong is beauty as opposed to thin is beautiful. I've always found muscles incredibly sexy, on both men and women. I love when you don't really notice the muscles until they lift something and then all of a sudden it stands out. And not just the physical appearance of muscles, but someone who is strong, to me, is sexy. Although interestingly enough I never started applying that to myself until recently. 

C: I think that often women seek that in men for a protective kind of instinct. Because it feels secure. So what about finding that in yourself?
N: I was at my strongest in high school, believe it or not. I didn't work out or anything, I just ran around like a maniac and my best friend was a third degree black belt who I loved to fight with. And I lost that, and I hate that I lost that. Now actually working out and working with weights makes me feel like an incredibly erotic, sexy figure. And then I started doing benchpress and I couldn't tell you why, but I love the benchpress, it makes me feel like a sexy beast. I guess I'm reconnecting with strong and powerful. And definitely there are moments where I can feel the muscles burning and it feels sexy to me.

C: What about emotional strength in regards to how beautiful you feel?
N: I actually don't think that the two have any correlation for me, oddly enough. Because I've had to work so so hard for so many years now on my internal stuff, on my emotions, on really just everything about mental health, for me it's almost a completely separate thing, separate piece of myself. Though I have been told that I am particularly beautiful when I am manic, or when I am manic and furious.

C: I think there's something very sexy when a woman is standing up for herself and taking charge. But I think what you're saying is that you had to learn how to feel sexy and beautiful without the stability emotionally and mentally because that was such a long process for you.
N: Absolutely. When I was dealing with body and sexuality and all that stuff, mental stability wasn't even a faint hope on the horizon. I was still reveling in the fact that I was a psychotic little freak, which is a fairly typical defense mechanism. 'Yeah, I'm the most fucked up bitch you know', because what else are you going to do? You have to take pride in your role. 

C: Do you think that's beneficial?
N: Yes and no. I think it is a survival mechanism. Anything that lets you survive is beneficial. But it definitely also impedes wellness. Once you're able to start getting better, that habit gets in your way because you become very reluctant. I was terrified for ages that if I ever got well, no one would want to be around me anymore because I wouldn't be exciting, I would become boring.

C: And because you make that your weapon, that's the center of your personality. And you feel like, then who are you without that. But do you like yourself better now?
N: Oh absolutely. Unquestionably. I try very hard not to regret or hate on who I was, because I don't think that's healthy or helpful. But I did not like that girl. And I like myself now. And there are moments that I can even love myself, and I didn't think that was anything that would ever be possible. There are moments were I totally don't like myself or love myself, but I like myself more often than not. And I love myself sometimes, and that feels like a huge victory. 

C: Do you feel like you had to go through that in order to be the person that you are now?
N: Oh yeah, I would be someone completely different without those experiences, and to be honest it does sometimes make me feel a tiny bit superior, because I have done more living and more growing in my life by 25 years old than most people have done by the time they're 60. 

C: What advice would you give your 14 year old self?
N: Stay on your fucking meds, you crazy bitch! I think I would like to tell myself that being submissive doesn't mean you can't say no to sex, because I said yes to a lot of sex that I didn't really want because I felt like I shouldn't say no. I think about how much better my life would have been if I had done well in high school and gone straight to college, but given the bipolar disorder, it wasn't even an option. So stay on your meds kind of covers it. My childhood was a goddamn disaster, but I would not be anything close to the driven, intelligent, introspective, powerful, capable woman that I am today if I hadn't gone through those things. 

Let's Get Drinks: Nikki on Body and Confidence pt. 1

Welcome to my new series, Let's Get Drinks. I decided I wanted to do a set of interviews with women about everything ranging from body image and confidence to sex, relationships, art, work, education, and everything in between.

This first interview centers around body image, weight, and health. We talk about mental health, eating disorders, the importance of diet and exercise, and the journey to heath and happiness. I think you'll find Nikki's story just as interesting and inspiring as I did.

Nikki Sterling
27
Full Time Student
Newlywed

Christina: How has being married changed how you feel about your body and about your confidence level with your body?
Nikki: Almost none at all, actually. Because we kind of did all of that - all of that changed happened in me way earlier in the relationship. I came into this relationship with a lot of body image issues, and a lot of - I dont have a very healthy relationship with food, and I don't know if I ever will. I'm working on it, and it's way better than it used to be -

C: It's easier with someone, also.
N: It is easier with someone and he's trying really hard to get healthy too. But I did a lot of my getting healthy before I met him. I just completed the end of the journey with him. Most of my teenage years, I was not aware of the fact, but I was anorexic. It wasn't a very obvious thing, but I only ate a meal every day, every other day. I would have fainting spells frequently, head rushes almost every time I stood up, I was exhausted, I was malnourished. Sometimes I would get shooting pains in my chest that got worse when I breathed deeply - and it never really occurred to me that it was anorexia. It was just something that I did. I didn't really like food, I didn't like the way eating made me feel, and that hollowed out feeling made me feel strong and in control. But I didn't really give it a lot of thought, I wouldn't have classified myself as having an eating disorder or having a problem.

C: When I had bad problems with anxiety, I wasn't eating because I didn't want to go to the dining hall. I didn't have anyone to sit with, so I didn't go. And I found a weird power in that emptiness, in that feeling - I felt beautiful when I felt weak and fragile. I didn't realize until later that it was fucked up. I felt like a feather, and I weirdly loved it. And I love eating, I love food. And I love feeling strong and stable now. But at the time, I enjoyed feeling weak. 
N: And in a weird way, that physical weakness made me feel strong.

C: And I really wanted someone to notice, also.
N: See, I didn't. Because I had amazing friends, maybe I didn't have that. Because people did notice. My friends tried so hard to take care of me when I refused to take care of myself. They knew - people would always show up with food because they knew if they asked me when the last time I ate was, I'd say "oh, yesterday". It got to the point where I would go out with other people, having no intention of eating, and it would be someone's turn to order a sandwich, because if you get a sandwich I would eat your pickle because I really love pickles. And they knew that if they got me to eat the pickle, most of the time I would go "oh, that felt good, I guess I am hungry, I could eat half your sandwich," and that was how they would feed me.

C: I think if you were in it and you were aware of it, it might feel like a trick. But it's very smart of your friends to recognize that and to notice your patterns. 
N: I have the most amazing friends. Honestly, I think I might have died if I hadn't had people so dedicated to taking care of me.

C: Does that scare you?
N: No. My own death have never ever, been something that contemplating has ever bothered me. I am always more afraid of the deaths of people that I love.
C: I think that's very selfless
N: That's funny, it actually feels totally selfish to me. When I die, I'm not going to care when I die, I'm gonna be dead, I'm gonna be moving on, in another life. But losing someone here and now that I love, that would destroy me. I know that my death will hurt the people that I love, but I'll be gone, it won't bother me.

C: I think that when I was not eating, I was never scared of dying, I scared more of being sent to the hospital. I was more scared of having to deal with it.
N: I told you earlier, I don't know if you caught that when I warn people that I'm going to pass out, the first thing I say is "Do not call an ambulance. I'm gonna pass out, it's gonna be fine, do not call an ambulance." And I got that from those days where I would regularly have sinkable episodes, but no I'm not going to the hospital. I will refuse medical attention.

C: Yes, because that's the moment, when you're faced with a doctor, they're going to say something's wrong. 
N: And I was hospitalized against my will when I was sixteen, in a mental ward, for cutting and depression. And I was not given an option. Because I was a minor, I had no way to fight back, I had no way to say I don't want this to happen to me. And I can admit now that long term it was good for for me, but I don't think that it would have been any less good for me had I gotten the same type of help without being thrown into a mental ward. And said when I got out, never ever again. I will never let that happen to me, no matter how bad it gets.

C: Because that's when you lose your autonomy.
N: Because you have no control. They tell you when to eat, when to speak, how to speak, when to eat when to sleep when to get up, when to brush your teeth - you lose all control over your life.

C: I think I would have lost my shit. And that was another thing about not eating, I had control over that. And I had control over the way I felt. And at the time I was also, like I said, I was enjoying being fragile and so I was also wearing big shoes on top of it and I felt like I was in control of maintaining what I thought made me feel beautiful. Which is fucked up behavior, and I didn't realize that until I started living at home. 
N: When I was a teenager it had nothing to do with my looks. Because people were telling me how tiny I was, how skinny I was, because I have a fairly small frame to begin with. And I'm 5'6", I weighed 115 pounds. Sometimes 110. And you could count my ribs.

C: I never felt like being skinny was beautiful, I felt like being empty was beautiful. It's weird because I never lost a significant amount of weight, I wasn't also working out or anything, but I felt like being unstable - I felt good. And sometimes I feel like I should stop eating and get back to that. 
N: It's very difficult - It's not as difficult, actually, that's not true. That's the response I'm used to giving because for a long time it was true. It's not that hard for me anymore. It used to be that losing weight was so hard for me because I broke my metabolism as a teenager. And then when I did start eating, my metabolism was broken and I was on Abilify, which for a lot of people, it makes them gain weight. So I went from weighing 115 lbs to 215 lbs in the space of a year. So when I eventually got sick of that, losing the weight in a healthy way was such a struggle for me because if I let myself go even 15 minutes too long without eating, I would go from being hungry to having that hollow feeling and as soon as I had that feeling, all I wanted to do was not eat for three days. And I still get it. But not as much as I used to.

C: I still get that - I almost had that today. I'm always afraid, once it's gone past the 'I know I'm hungry' point, I felt like if I put anything in my stomach I was going to be sick. 
N: Absolutely. Food becomes abhorrent. I'll be sick if I eat.

C: And I'll wait like a day or so.
N: I also had an interesting thing because of the way my eating habits, disorder, whatever you want to say, developed, I only actually want to eat when I'm full. When I'm hungry, I don't want to eat. When I eat I want to keep eating. Which again, makes getting healthy so hard because I'm constantly fighting against these wrong impulses that my brain is sending.

C: So when you decided it was time to start developing healthy habits, how did you start that process? 
N: I got sick. I had an infection, I needed a root canal, and I had no insurance and I'm terrified of dentists. And the infection moved into my jaw, and according to the doctors that I ended up having to see, about three days away from moving in to my blood stream and killing me. So I spent a couple of weeks unable to eat, and I just stopped eating because I physically could not put food in my throat. I existed on water and broth. I mean I weighed 215 lbs, it's not like I didn't have fat reserves to burn. And I lost like 20 lbs in those few weeks.

C: It's a lot of fluctuation.
N: It is. So then having lost a chunk of weight, it seemed a lot easier to keep going with it. So the first thing I do before I do anything that I think is remotely important is research. Weeks and weeks of research, and I think some of that is the control thing. And everywhere I saw said the same thing - as strange as it sounds, your doctor has been telling you the only true thing your entire life. The only way to healthy weight loss is count your calories and exercise. That's it. So I got my Fitness Pal (app) and I started counting my calories down to 1500 calories a day, because you can't jump straight to 1200. And I did a juice fast. That was the other thing. But you can get all your essential vitamins from juice. So I subsidized it slightly with protein, so all day long, if I was thirsty I drank water, if I was hungry I drank juice. And once towards the end of the day I'd have four ounces of grilled chicken or two fried eggs or something. And I did that for a month and I lost another 20 lbs.

C: And did you ever feel like you weren't stable? 
N: No, actually, I felt great. It was the initial period, like day 2, I was crabby and angry. But surprisingly quickly, I got great sleep, I felt energized, I didn't feel like I was lacking anything. Probably at some point I will do another one because it felt really good.

C: I think it's a great first step. A lot of people are gravitating towards that. 
N: And because I had so much extra weight on my frame, cutting down my calories without damaging my nutrient intake, the weight just melted off of me, which then made the rest of it so much easier, because I suddenly had so much less of a journey. And I was already two pants sizes by that point. And then I started doing 1500 calories of day, and I started working out. I did half an hour three times a week, and then when I felt good about that I did half an hour five times a week, and then I moved up to an hour five times a week. And I moved my calories down from 1500 to 1400 to 1300 to 1200. So at the end of it, I was working out an hour a day five times a week and eating 1200 calories every day.

C: Are you still doing that?
N: Fuck. No. That, for me, is not a life style. It was something I needed to do, and I lost 75 lbs in a year and two months. I got down to 138 lbs, 135 was my goal. It's a healthy weight. And once I was under 150 I started to relax some, and by that point I had met Jack (her husband) and I think we had moved in together but my lifestyle was going to change. I wasn't going to keep working out as often and I wasn't going to force him to eat the way I was eating. And I didn't want to be eating separate meals from him. And I've gotten into a kind of rhythm with my body. I get down to 140, I'm comfortable, I stay there for a while, I stop worrying about food but I still think about what I eat. And then inevitably I get injured, I have to stop working out,  and I start to put on weight and at about 150 I say I'm done and I need to start being better about it, and then at 155 I'm actually done and I start being better about it. And I go back down to 140. But to be honest, as far as the yo-yo effect goes, I feel pretty okay with that.

C: So are you in a place where you're happy with your body? 
N: I am. I don't think I'm ever going to feel the best that I could about my body. Gaining the weight and losing it again has made my boobs very saggy, I have stretch marks, I'm never going to have a flat belly again and I had that, but my husband looks at me with undisguised lust in his eyes all the time, he tells me that I look fantastic all the time, he touches me in ways that make me feel sexy and beautiful, and I feel so healthy and so vibrant in a way that I never ever did.


Stay tuned for part 2 with Nikki on confidence