For this next interview, I talk to my friend Cara about bad boyfriends, intelligence, and being a woman in a man's game.
Cara
27
Student/Teacher
Are you happy with your body?
For the most part. Not totally, I do feel like I'm not in the best shape I can be, I've been in better shape. I'm not unhappy with my body, its just not 100%, I know I'm not the best I can be.
In a couple of the previous interviews, we talked about forming healthy habits and exercise and diet come in to that a lot. So what is your feelings with that, what are your habits, what kinds of things do you do to take care of yourself?
I've been specifically trying to drink more water, and eat more vegetables. I do feel a difference when I eat healthy. I have a cup at work that I try to fill a specific amount of times a day to keep track of where I'm at. And I like to work out at least 4 times a week. I used to set these ridiculous workout goals for myself, and I hate exercising so I would never do it. So instead of trying to do 2 hours every night, I workout for 40 minutes 4 times a week. I find that I actually do it, so even though its less than what I was originally doing, I actually stick it out more. I don't dread it.
So how do you feel about yourself in terms of your appearance as opposed to how you felt 10 years ago?
In the now, I always feel like I don't look good, but then when I look back - like I look back at my pictures from 10 years ago and I think "damnit, I looked really good". I wish I had known then that I looked really good. I think it's difficult because 10 years ago I was 17, and I think "that was only 10 years ago, I could totally achieve that", but I was 17, I was a kid. Now I'm almost 30 and my body type has changed. I tried losing weight two years ago and I had my goal weight as my 17 year old weight and I could not do it. So part of it is getting used to the fact and accepting the fact that I'm never going to be what I was 10 years ago. So I have to find that healthy spot for a 27 year old.
I find that a lot of people are saying the same thing. You look back at yourself when you're 16 or 17 and you're in the best shape of your life pretty much, and it's like yeah, but you were a kid, you were a child. It takes a long time to realize you have to re-evaluate.
Yeah. I keep going back to my measurements when I was 17, because even at 17 I felt like I needed to lose 5lbs. I never had abs, I was never skinny, I was always a little bit on the bigger side, but I'm tall too. But I know what my measurements were and now I get down to those measurements - I don't even want the flat stomach, I don't even need abs, I would just like to be a little bit closer to that. I go by sizes now, how my clothes fit. I have my happy size and my not happy size.
Do you feel like it's detrimental to feel like you're never going to be at the perfect spot?
At a certain point you just have to stop stressing about it and be happy with who you are. As long as you're healthy, that's what really matters. I do think you need to be realistic about what is healthy and what is not healthy, and you do need to find a place that you can feel comfortable staying at. What I had the problem with was setting goals that were unrealistic and I was never achieving them and I was always miserable. So where can I stay that's a happy medium where I don't have to constantly be overthinking what I'm eating and overthinking exercise where I might not be the skinniest I can be, but I'm also not starving myself. So where can I live a normal lifestyle, because I don't want to constantly be counting my calories for the rest of my life, but I also don't want to be disappointed in how I look for the rest of my life. So if that means 5 lbs heavier than what my original goal weight was but I can indulge a little bit more, then so be it.
How would you describe your self confidence on average?
I would say I'm very confident in my ideas and who I am as a person, but I do struggle with confidence with how I look because I have struggled with my weight for so long. So typically if I'm feeling bad about myself, I'm never feeling bad about myself because I don't think I'm smart or I don't think I'm a nice person. It's never character that gets to me, it's always more physical.
Do you feel like that has anything to do with areas that you think are more important than others in yourself?
It's interesting because I'm so proud of being educated and outspoken person. I don't think twice about speaking my mind or any of that, and I love women who are smart and outspoken and well-educated. and I get so angry at myself because I do put more into "oh, but I don't look good today," and it's like no, that's contradictory to what I'm proud of, and I get mad at myself for it. Like, I'm just as bad as everybody else, I say I'm confident and I say I'm a strong independent woman, but then I get down about myself because I'm feeling fat.
Do you think you can still feel strong and independent without feeling 100% about your appearance?
I think feeling 100% about everything about you is impossible, and you just have to be realistic and evaluate where you're beating yourself up. I don't think there's anybody out there who doesn't not like something about themselves. And I think that little bit of doubt is what keeps you trying to do better, keeps you learning, keeps you motivated. People who think they're perfect are insufferable, and I never want to be stagnant, I never want to be done. Cuz if you're done, what is there?
There's that quote from Harry Potter where Dumbledore says: "The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is". (JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone/Philospher's Stone) And you're right, then what else is there? There's nothing more to strive for.
Right, there's nothing more to learn, nothing more to experience. And I think that there's people that I admire or that I'm attracted to that are my standard of perfect, so it's like if I can love someone that's not perfect there's no reason that I need to be perfect.
And you do think that people who are imperfect are more interesting?
Of course. People who are a little bit weird are my favorite type of people. Otherwise you're boring. What are you bringing to the table that's new?
So what kind of factors effect your confidence level?
This is another place where I get angry at myself. I don't like thinking that what other people think about my effects me too much, but it really does. Dating in itself is just a harsh reality check every now and then. When I think something went really well and then I find out it didn't, or it doesn't go the way I planned, I immediately think, well they must not like the way I look. I never think they must not like me as a person. I do doubt a little bit because sometimes I do think guys don't like the fact that I'm educated, and sometimes I think 'that must not have went well because he thinks I'm too smart', but mostly it's 'he doesn't like the way I look'. I get very paranoid. I do online dating and I get very paranoid about the first meeting because I hope I look like what he thinks I look like through my pictures. I've been online dating for a while and I just recently put up full body shots, and that took me a while to do because they might think I'm too chubby or whatever. So I put up full body shots and I get the exact same amount of messages which is great. But I think the dating aspect gets to my confidence more than anything.
We were talking about how you feel most confident with your ideas and your personality. What kinds of things effect that also, either negatively or positively?
I work with all men, and I feel like I do need to prove myself being a woman in a man's game. And it did take me a while to go in and have them respect me and listen to me and let me have my say. Initially I was the bitch. And that got me down, and when I first started working with them it was very draining, very emotional for me. How am I going to put this much effort in and care this much about this job and these guys when they're just going to turn around and think that I'm a bitch that doesn't know what I'm talking about? I don't think it bothers my confidence, I think it just offends me when people assume or treat me like I'm not smart. I don't start to doubt my intelligence, I just get really offended. And honestly, if someone doesn't like me at this point in my life, I'm like, alright, I probably won't like you anyway. Had you asked me that ten years ago it would have been a very different answer.
I'm sure not everybody gets to that point, but people who are of a certain emotional maturity get to that point where they have to feel that way, or else you're just going to feel like shit about yourself all the time. You have to cut people out if they're a negative influence on your life. You can't think twice about that.
I don't want to say I've cut a lot of people out of my life recently, but I have not stressed about losing friends. I had a friend that I haven't talked to in about a year - we were really great friends and she used to backhandedly put down things that I liked. And I used to let it go because we've been such good friends for so long, and eventually when we started drifting, it's like, I'm just going to let this happen because I haven't felt supported in this relationship for a long time. I don't think she meant anything by it. But she used to - I go to this particular bar a lot, and she used to say "ew, you don't want to meet anyone there, it's dirty", and I go there all the time, so you're essentially saying that the place that I feel comfortable is dirty and I wouldn't want to meet anyone there. Are you telling me that I'm dirty and low class? Is that what you're trying to say?
So what kinds of things can you do for yourself that make you feel more confident, to combat outside factors that make you feel less?
Physically, because I do think that's my biggest issue, I do things naked all the time. Even though I'm not 100% satisfied, I am definitely more comfortable in my body. I'm not going to not get naked in front of somebody because I have a pooch. If you want to have sex with me, I'm pretty sure the extra 10lbs isn't gonna stop you. And if I take my shirt off and all of a sudden they're saying no, then good, go. I don't need this anyway. There's plenty of people out there who would be like 'awesome, I'm getting laid'. And at first I just started putting myself in those situations to get comfortable with it. And I've never had anyone run away screaming. So it's probably a fear that was never justified, it was just being younger and inexperienced and doubting yourself. So I think you just need to go for it, whatever your fear is or your insecurity is, just put yourself in that situation, so you can see that it's probably not going to turn out the way you fear it I think a lot of those fears are these situations that we've created in our heads that are probably never going to materialize.
When do you feel most confident in yourself?
I feel most confident when I'm teaching. That's why I really wanted to pursue being a professor because I really feel like that is something I'm good at and it has nothing to do with how I look, its how you reach people. I feel confident when I'm at work - not because I want to be career obsessed, but I like to help people and I think I'm good at it, so when I see the return it justifies it. Physically...you know, I love the feminist movement. I think people don't define feminism correctly. I think there's nothing wrong with being girly. The point of feminism is that you choose how you wanna be and no one tells you how you have to be. I feel most confident when I'm all dolled up. I love wearing makeup, I love doing my hair, I love looking pretty, and I don't think that makes me any less feminist. I don't think there's anything wrong with wearing bright lipstick. And I'm not wearing it to impress you, I'm wearing it because I think I look pretty. I feel confident when I'm wearing nice clothes and my hair is nice. And fuck you if you think I have to dress boring or powerful or manly to be a feminist.
What is the thing people most often compliment you on?
People always tell me that I'm really nice, and I do try to be nice to people. But I just sometimes think when people say 'oh you're nice' or 'this person's nice', it's like great, what else are they? Nice is very boring. It's a good thing to be, but it's not interesting. My favorite compliment that I ever got was when someone told me I was genuine. I thought that was pretty cool. Whatever I say, you know I'm being real. They're not commenting on whether my choices are good or bad, just that I'm not faking it, and I like that a lot. Appearance wise - my smile.
Do you think it's true?
I like my smile. I'm a big teeth person - that's what I look at first on other people. So I do tend to focus there. I like bright lipstick, I like drawing attention to my mouth. It shows hygiene. I feel more intimate with my mouth that I do with - ya know. I spend a lot of time with my mouth. My mouth is much more aware of everything. I don't want to kiss you if you're mouth is nasty. I always go to the face because you cant change your face. If you're a little bit overweight or a little bit skinny, you can do things to change your body. Your face is your face. I'm happy that people don't say to me, the best thing about you is that you're thin, because I'm probably not going to be thin forever.
How have relationships influenced how you feel about yourself, and how does this differ from your relationships with other women?
My relationships with other women - I look for strictly who makes me feel good as a person. I don't want to be around women who put me down. I'm not concerned about how I look with other women, to a certain extent. I agree that you get dressed for other girls, not for men. Men would probably rather prefer you show up naked. I think that when you get dressed up you do it to impress other women. But I don't do long term relationships very well, and the last relationship I was in was only a few months, and when I got out of it I felt horrible about myself. And I feel like I didn't act in the way that I perceive myself to be so I was really hard on myself after that. Once I got out of that relationship I swore off of men for a while and just focused on my friends, because I felt like with my friends I could get back to who I was proud of being, because I've trimmed the fat, I no longer hang out with people who bring me down. The people in my life are who I think make me feel better about myself. So I look to my friends when I'm feeling down to make me feel better about myself. What I'm really proud of is my education and my strength as a person and that's what I doubted with my last relationship. I didn't doubt my physical appearance because the sex was great. Clearly the physical wasn't the issue, so it must have been me as a person that was the issue. And that's why afterwards, I feel like if I'm having doubts that my body might not be great, that's normal, but if I'm having doubts about who I am as a person, thats when things are wrong, and that's when I knew I needed to take a break from doubting.
Do you think it would be easier to get over someone who said they didn't like you physically as opposed to someone who said you were stupid or you're not a good person?
Oh totally. If you don't like the physical then it's like okay fine, go away, you're an idiot, I don't need that in my life. He used to say that I'm not 'the one'. Well good luck finding one person. Who is gonna be good enough for you?
How would you describe the relationship between strength and beauty?
I don't think strength or beauty is necessarily just physical or just emotional. I think both have aspects, you know. Obviously you can be strong physically, if you're healthy, but when I hear someone say they're a strong person I don't think oh, how much can they lift. I immediately think as a person they're strong, they're resilient, they've gone through stuff and come out better, they don't let little things get to them. When I hear beautiful, typically I do think physically first. One of my favorite quotes from Doctor Who is "You know when, sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad; they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful." (Amy Pond, The Girl Who Waited). I think that is so true. Physical beauty is so fleeting, and you can be the most beautiful person, but if you are not a good person or a nice person, that means nothing. But you can be very average or not beautiful at all physically, but if you're a beautiful person, you start to reflect what's inside. I think there's a lot of people out there that you look at them feature by feature, but together they present themselves well and they carry themselves well and you can't help but feel drawn to them because it's their entire persona, they just have it all. And you can't get that without talking to a person.
What is something about yourself that you wish other people would take notice of or appreciate?
I work so hard to put out the confident, I've got it all together persona, sometimes I think it's nice to know that I'm working on it too. I know I'm putting it out there, but every now and then, but I'd like people to recognize that it's not always easy. People will always say to me, "I don't know how you go through all this and you're still in a good mood, you're still smiling." But I don't. I wish every now and then someone would just be like, "hey, do you need to talk about it or anything?" I do put it out there because like I said, I'm a woman in a mans world and I think I need that to get anything done, but if you catch me with my guard down, I'm a nerd, I'm a fun, laid-back person. But I feel like you can't be that as a woman professionally and be taken seriously. I want to be taken seriously but I don't want to be all one thing all the time.
What advice would you give your 14 year old self?
Just do what makes you happy, don't worry so much about what people are thinking about you, and just do what's best for you. Happiness is whats the most important. If you're miserable and you're working towards something that's not making you feel better about yourself, don't do it. It's really funny because when I think back to my favorite version of myself, I almost feel like my high school self needs to give me advice. I look back and I was really involved in things that I loved, I had a great group of friends who are my friends now, and I was really doing what I loved. I was healthy and it showed. And then somewhere after high school I feel like I lost track of it. Probably with dating I would give myself advice and say don't ever change yourself for a man. But living my life, I kind of wish my 14 year old self would tell me to just go back to basics or something. There was a lot of stuff I liked about myself that I kind of miss.
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