My second interview is with a longtime friend, Marla. We talk about healthy habits and unhealthy relationships, and how other people's opinions do not measure your own self-worth.
Marla
25
Elementary School Teacher
Are you happy with your body?
I am somewhat happy with my body. My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years, and I am currently on an up-swing (aka lower weight). I am happiest when I regularly exercise and put work into my body. Unfortunately, life can get crazy and it isn't always practical to do this. My goal is to be happy with my body whether it's flabby or fit or somewhere in between. Truthfully, I probably have some body dysmorphia issues, but I am always trying to work on them.
How do you feel about yourself (in terms of your body/appearance) in comparison to how you felt about yourself ten years ago? Have the things you like about yourself changed?
Ten years ago I hated everything about myself. I can say that I like a lot more about me now. I have had a difficult time liking my legs. That is still the case, but I like them more now than I did then. I like my face a bit more and other parts of me a bit more.
How would you describe your self-confidence on average?
It's kind of hard to answer this not being in someone else's brain. I kind of feel like most females have a shitty body image. I am probably on the lower end of the scale, but I don't think my image issues are abnormal really. I think they are shitty issues to have, and it disappoints me that so many women feel this way.
What kinds of factors effect your confidence level?
My weight especially effects my confidence level. My hair on any given day can impact it too. A bad hair day (which luckily I don't have too often) can totally put me in a mood!
When do you feel the most confident in yourself?
After regularly exercising and taking care of my body. The work shows, but I also feel better. I think my body needs the endorphins, frankly.
What is the thing that people most often compliment you on? Do you think this is true?
People usually like my eyes. I do like them, so that's great!
How do your relationships (ie boyfriends/girlfriends) influence how you feel about yourself? Does this differ from your relationships with other women?
Boyfriends have had the power, in the past, to totally derail me. I dated a real shit-head abuser for four years in high school and the beginning of college. He would comment on my body all the time, saying what I should and shouldn't wear, if I looked fat, etc. I went through a stage of not eating appropriate amounts every day for a month or two one summer. It was probably technically anorexia, but I mean... I love food so I don't think it got to the point where my body would actually show symptoms or anything. I just lost weight. It wasn't so bad I could actually hurt myself. Anyway, I know this mentality definitely was encouraged by the douche I dated. For example, while I am overly critical of myself, if I don't think something is a problem... I'm inclined to think it's not bad! I would think, knowing my own thought process, that I am TOO harsh on myself. Well, this guy decided to tell me that I had a mustache and a happy trail that I had to take care of. I was shocked. While I've had issues in the past and don't like PLENTY of parts of my body, these had never been insecurities or thoughts that even crossed my mind. I shaved some hair near my belly, and I wish I never had. It wasn't a problem, and now it grows in thicker. The mustache, thank god, I was smarter about. I knew if I started plucking/waxing/anything-else-ing, it would grow in thick. I did NOT want that on my face or to deal with the upkeep that would come along with it. I didn't think I had a mustache, though I was much more aware of the hair I had on my upper lip after that conversation. Long story short, I told the boyfriend at the time that I waxed it. He actually said to me how much better it looked! OH MY GOD WHAT AN IDIOT HE WAS. Then I told him I didn't wax it and he was full of shit and an asshole. Then of course he said, "Well, I must not have looked closely enough. Yeah, it still looks like shit." I already knew he was not a good boyfriend, but abusive relationships are hard to get out of, and that's a story for a different blog post! Thankfully I've never waxed my lip to this day. So yes, boyfriends can impact me. Luckily I know this and do not allow myself to date such scumbags. I date people who care about what is important, find me beautiful for what is on my inside, and are not shallow. My current boyfriend is the total, polar opposite of that ex. He says I'm beautiful with or without makeup, though he has made no secret of the fact that he prefers me without makeup. SIGH. What a breath of fresh air. I wish that personally I could hear the compliments and hold on to those as well as I hold on to the criticisms I've heard in my past.
My female besties are always kind to me and try to build me up, but again, I don't always hear it. I'm my own worst critic.
I do remember once in middle or high school, I was walking on the beach with a friend. She was a wonderful girl, but I don't think she is what the typical middle-high school guy would call conventionally beautiful. We were wearing bathing suits and were passing some middle-high school aged guys. One had the AUDACITY to rate us with his friend about what we were worth based on our looks. He thought he was so cool. He said something like, "not even a nickel!" (as in he wouldn't pay 5 cents to sleep with us), and I have always remembered how offensive and rude I thought that was.
How would you describe the relationship between strength and beauty?
I think strength and beauty are incredibly related on a physical and emotional level. Physically, as I mentioned before, I feel most beautiful when I know my body is strong. When I work out and care for my body, it rewards me. The catch is, you need to shift your mind into working out to get strong and because you love working out rather than to change your body because you hate it. Start thinking about what your body can do for you and how amazing it is, and your relationship with it (and therefore physical results) will be much better.
Emotionally, I have always admired a strong woman. Strong women make the world go 'round! A strong woman, an intelligent woman, a kind woman... those types of beauties are so much more special. If I were a guy (or a girl attracted to other girls), I'd be looking for this type of beauty. I guess I look for that type of beauty in a guy now that I think of it! As a woman, I feel like I usually think of this type of beauty with other women because us women are often so passionate about the female experience.
What is something about yourself that you wish other people would take notice of/appreciate?
My curly hair isn't messy. It's curly. There's a difference.
My intelligence (both book smarts and emotional intelligence), my patience, my interests... these are more important than my body's beauty. I think a lot of people are so loud and/or looking for the "hot" girl that they forget what value I might have. Whatever, I sift through the dumbies that way anyway. Just gets annoying sometimes!
What advice would you give your 14 year old self?
It'll all be OK. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Just try to be your best self. Dump that asshole and try to get some therapy so you can love yourself sooner.
I am somewhat happy with my body. My weight has fluctuated a lot over the years, and I am currently on an up-swing (aka lower weight). I am happiest when I regularly exercise and put work into my body. Unfortunately, life can get crazy and it isn't always practical to do this. My goal is to be happy with my body whether it's flabby or fit or somewhere in between. Truthfully, I probably have some body dysmorphia issues, but I am always trying to work on them.
How do you feel about yourself (in terms of your body/appearance) in comparison to how you felt about yourself ten years ago? Have the things you like about yourself changed?
Ten years ago I hated everything about myself. I can say that I like a lot more about me now. I have had a difficult time liking my legs. That is still the case, but I like them more now than I did then. I like my face a bit more and other parts of me a bit more.
How would you describe your self-confidence on average?
It's kind of hard to answer this not being in someone else's brain. I kind of feel like most females have a shitty body image. I am probably on the lower end of the scale, but I don't think my image issues are abnormal really. I think they are shitty issues to have, and it disappoints me that so many women feel this way.
What kinds of factors effect your confidence level?
My weight especially effects my confidence level. My hair on any given day can impact it too. A bad hair day (which luckily I don't have too often) can totally put me in a mood!
When do you feel the most confident in yourself?
After regularly exercising and taking care of my body. The work shows, but I also feel better. I think my body needs the endorphins, frankly.
What is the thing that people most often compliment you on? Do you think this is true?
People usually like my eyes. I do like them, so that's great!
How do your relationships (ie boyfriends/girlfriends) influence how you feel about yourself? Does this differ from your relationships with other women?
Boyfriends have had the power, in the past, to totally derail me. I dated a real shit-head abuser for four years in high school and the beginning of college. He would comment on my body all the time, saying what I should and shouldn't wear, if I looked fat, etc. I went through a stage of not eating appropriate amounts every day for a month or two one summer. It was probably technically anorexia, but I mean... I love food so I don't think it got to the point where my body would actually show symptoms or anything. I just lost weight. It wasn't so bad I could actually hurt myself. Anyway, I know this mentality definitely was encouraged by the douche I dated. For example, while I am overly critical of myself, if I don't think something is a problem... I'm inclined to think it's not bad! I would think, knowing my own thought process, that I am TOO harsh on myself. Well, this guy decided to tell me that I had a mustache and a happy trail that I had to take care of. I was shocked. While I've had issues in the past and don't like PLENTY of parts of my body, these had never been insecurities or thoughts that even crossed my mind. I shaved some hair near my belly, and I wish I never had. It wasn't a problem, and now it grows in thicker. The mustache, thank god, I was smarter about. I knew if I started plucking/waxing/anything-else-ing, it would grow in thick. I did NOT want that on my face or to deal with the upkeep that would come along with it. I didn't think I had a mustache, though I was much more aware of the hair I had on my upper lip after that conversation. Long story short, I told the boyfriend at the time that I waxed it. He actually said to me how much better it looked! OH MY GOD WHAT AN IDIOT HE WAS. Then I told him I didn't wax it and he was full of shit and an asshole. Then of course he said, "Well, I must not have looked closely enough. Yeah, it still looks like shit." I already knew he was not a good boyfriend, but abusive relationships are hard to get out of, and that's a story for a different blog post! Thankfully I've never waxed my lip to this day. So yes, boyfriends can impact me. Luckily I know this and do not allow myself to date such scumbags. I date people who care about what is important, find me beautiful for what is on my inside, and are not shallow. My current boyfriend is the total, polar opposite of that ex. He says I'm beautiful with or without makeup, though he has made no secret of the fact that he prefers me without makeup. SIGH. What a breath of fresh air. I wish that personally I could hear the compliments and hold on to those as well as I hold on to the criticisms I've heard in my past.
My female besties are always kind to me and try to build me up, but again, I don't always hear it. I'm my own worst critic.
I do remember once in middle or high school, I was walking on the beach with a friend. She was a wonderful girl, but I don't think she is what the typical middle-high school guy would call conventionally beautiful. We were wearing bathing suits and were passing some middle-high school aged guys. One had the AUDACITY to rate us with his friend about what we were worth based on our looks. He thought he was so cool. He said something like, "not even a nickel!" (as in he wouldn't pay 5 cents to sleep with us), and I have always remembered how offensive and rude I thought that was.
How would you describe the relationship between strength and beauty?
I think strength and beauty are incredibly related on a physical and emotional level. Physically, as I mentioned before, I feel most beautiful when I know my body is strong. When I work out and care for my body, it rewards me. The catch is, you need to shift your mind into working out to get strong and because you love working out rather than to change your body because you hate it. Start thinking about what your body can do for you and how amazing it is, and your relationship with it (and therefore physical results) will be much better.
Emotionally, I have always admired a strong woman. Strong women make the world go 'round! A strong woman, an intelligent woman, a kind woman... those types of beauties are so much more special. If I were a guy (or a girl attracted to other girls), I'd be looking for this type of beauty. I guess I look for that type of beauty in a guy now that I think of it! As a woman, I feel like I usually think of this type of beauty with other women because us women are often so passionate about the female experience.
What is something about yourself that you wish other people would take notice of/appreciate?
My curly hair isn't messy. It's curly. There's a difference.
My intelligence (both book smarts and emotional intelligence), my patience, my interests... these are more important than my body's beauty. I think a lot of people are so loud and/or looking for the "hot" girl that they forget what value I might have. Whatever, I sift through the dumbies that way anyway. Just gets annoying sometimes!
What advice would you give your 14 year old self?
It'll all be OK. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Just try to be your best self. Dump that asshole and try to get some therapy so you can love yourself sooner.
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