What is an Evil Queen?

I probably should have written this a long time ago, but the truth is, I'm not quite sure where to start. 

In my last editorial piece about dressing on brand, I talked a lot about how my style has effected my life. I've always tended to be more of a weirdo - I've been called everything from "goth" and "punk" to "edgy" - which is basically the fashionista word for grown-up goth. And I did try to be a little more normal, I really did. I bought those fucking polo shirts and birkenstocks and I wore them to school. But I always felt like an impostor. I always knew it wasn't really me. 

And there came a time in my life where I didn't want to pretend anymore. 

Being an Evil Queen means embracing the darkness within. 

I know I'm weird. I like being weird. I like looking different than everyone else. I don't want to compromise and I don't like being told that I'm wrong or that I shouldn't like what I like. 

I think a lot of people who care about the way they look and craft themselves through clothes and makeup feel the same way. It's always hurtful when someone points out that you're different - and of course, different is beautiful. But it doesn't always feel like that from a personal perspective. It feels like you're being singled out and stared at. It feels like constant whispers of "oh my god, what is she wearing?" It feels like you stick out like a sore thumb, and it makes you regret putting on those six inch heels or that perfect black dress that you spent so much money on. It makes you want to hide behind polo shirts and Ugg boots. 

But there comes a time in everyone's life - at least, anyone who's experienced the feeling of being 'different' - where you just can't care anymore. It takes so much energy to think about what other people want from you rather than just doing whatever the fuck you want and getting on with your life. It's so time consuming and stressful to try to "fit in", and at one point, it just isn't worth it anymore. And it took me a long time to get to that point. I had small break throughs in high school but it didn't happen for me fully until college. I was 20 years old by the time I decided not to care anymore. Think of all that time I was crying about being bullied and not eating and spending money on clothes I didn't like just so that I wouldn't be made fun of anymore. That's years of my life that I gave to other people. I dedicated all that time to people who didn't like me, when I should have just loved myself for what I am and moved on. I could have been so much happier. And I'm so glad that eventually I did get to that point. I don't want to feel like I have to change anymore. I don't want to be concerned with dressing for other people anymore. I want to be happy with the way I look and the way I feel. And I don't want to have to fucking explain myself to you, because your opinion about me doesn't effect my life. Not one little bit. 

Being an Evil Queen is being unapologetic.

But I know I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect for me, and I don't think I ever will be. I've always viewed my personal style as an evolution. Building my closet and my look is a constant process - I always make purchases based on what will add to and enhance what I already have. Sometimes I feel like my closet is missing some essentials, and I will hunt for months until I find perfect pieces. I always look at myself and find ways I can improve. And it isn't about pleasing anyone but myself. I want to be able to grow into the woman I want to be, I want to be able to create myself. And yes, I do that through clothes and makeup and taking care of myself, but I also do this in my career and in my life. I want to constantly be learning and evolving and making myself a better person, because for me, the worst thing a person can be is boring. I don't ever want to be static, I don't want to get stuck. The thought of being locked into one thing forever - whether that be a look, a job, or where I live - is terrifying. That means I don't have any free will, and I want to always be independent and autonomous. I want to be in control of myself, which means that I always have to be better. I'm not perfect yet, but that's okay. You know who's perfect? The good guys. You know why? Cuz they have to play by the rules and are bound by expectations created by others for them. That's fucking boring. 

Being an Evil Queen means breaking free of the rules in order to evolve.

And I do draw inspiration from a lot of places. I think it's okay to emulate other women as long as you're not becoming a copy. When I went to go meet Dita, there were quite a lot of vintage-wearing, winged eyelinered Dita wannabes. And I get that, I totally do. She's gorgeous, who wouldn't want to look like her? And obviously I do my winged eyeliner and Russian Red lips too. But I don't want to be a copycat. I want to be able to incorporate the things about her and other women I admire into my personal style while still being me. So these women I look up to have qualities that I want for myself - class, style, and poise, of course, but more importantly intelligence, independence, and an air of badassery. The women who I want to be like are trailblazers - when Dita rose to fame, no one else was doing what she did. No one else does what Daphne Guinness does, no one else does what Gwen Stefani or Sophia Amoruso does. These women are singular. And yes, that means a lot of hard work, constant evolution, and probably a shit ton of haters. But that's what makes an Evil Queen - rising above all that and being a fucking badass anyway. 

Being an Evil Queen means making your own path. 

Above all else, I think being an Evil Queen means not giving a fuck. To me, being an Evil Queen is squaring my shoulders and putting my bitchface on and getting my shit done, even when people tell me I can't or I shouldn't. It's about getting what I want even when it seems impossible, and taking opportunities to improve myself. It's about buying those six inch heels because they make me feel like I can conquer the world, like I can stomp on anyone who gets in my way. It's about making my own way in the world and not letting anyone hold me back, and not depending on anyone else to live my life the way I want to. Being an Evil Queen means using the weapons I have to create myself, to take care of myself, and to make myself singular. Being an Evil Queen is having the confidence to know that I can do all these things and not compromise my integrity. 

And above all else, being an Evil Queen means being happy and confident and completely myself. 

Every day.